Just 14400 seconds ...

by Charlotta K.

 

That's how long a dialysis treatment is, for a kidney failure patient on the Corona Intensive Care Unit.

I sit in full protective gear and feel how my own warm breath is ventilated back and forth under the protective mask, the chair I sit on is made of wood and uncomfortable where I sit next to the machine and try not to be in the way, crouching down when someone urgently passes by and trying not to think that I was already sweating outside before the treatment even started. I can't touch my face, I can't lighten my mouthguard, don't drink anything, don't leave the room, just complete the treatment and then move on to the next patient and start over in seconds ...

I work as a nurse at the University Hospital in Gothenburg, Sweden. My colleagues and I do the same thing; daily care for someone at risk of their own life. What if I get infected, what if my family got sick, my thoughts swirled, why did I choose this profession? Sometimes I curse myself, and then clearly see that this is something good, think if I or my loved ones get sick and there was no one who was prepared to care for them, I have to sit on the chair, the patient is in the respirator he neither hear nor see what is happening around him, within me I think it is just as good, what is happening around us is both unreal and scary I also do not want to experience this but I can not close my eyes, what if the others see that I dare not look. I have to sit still, if he has organ failure, without treatment he dies, but I'm afraid I don't really want to do this, only 14280 seconds left ...

On the intensive care corona patients are in a row, everyone in the room is infected, I try to think about how much of the dangerous virus swirling around the room, I do not know how to figure it out, right now I am so hot and terrified that I can´t count at all, feels like my brain does not want to work, the mouth guard presses over my nose and my own breathing feels like the only thing I think about at this moment i start to feel a little panic, I want air it is stuffy behind the plastic, it is summer in Gothenburg but there is no air conditioning in the room, I am dry in my mouth but can not drink anything, did not dare to take any fluid before I went here because I can not go to the toilet throughout the treatment, think if I faint, how embarresing, I feel a little dizzy, must be my brain that plays a joke on me, best to stand up, stretch and try not to think about it. Only 13170 seconds left ...

There are no big windows here, only small windows behind the blinds, I feel like an insect on the wall who wants to get out of this prison but does not know how, has to look at something other than the room, has to stop thinking about what I am in, see other hospital buildings, people far away, some cars, I note that I can see the flagpole in the hospital, our beautiful flag, because it is beautiful to me I am a patriot, has always been will always be, but now I see it as a symbol of my fear and anger, our government chose not to close Sweden unlike the rest of the world, this is a disaster, all deaths, all sick patients around might not have had to lie here if they had acted differently, and the selfishness within me thinks I shouldn't have sat here now, trying to turn off the thought maybe they did right, who could know this, maybe I'm just angry because I didn't vote for them and want an excuse to blame them. Only 12060 seconds left ...

I'm starting to suffer from panic, horrible thought you can't lose control now, I'm responsible for the treatment, what should I do, should I call someone that I need help, everyone is busy, I don't want to bother, we're here for caring for others, no one can take care of me now, it's just as bad for the others I have to try to sharpen. Breathe in, exhale, calm breath. I try to focus, I browse the journal that I have with me, check the settings on the machine even though I have already done it so many times, prepping myself that I will be able to do this, it is not far off, I try to think that I am lucky that it is not me in intensive care. It is so hot, the mask pinches so hard on my face, I have to be good, but I want to go from here I want to go home, but it is not possible. Only 11030 seconds left ...

My husband and I have a strategy for getting through the Corona quarantine, we live simply and structured, we avoid staying among others and we scrub our hands very meticulously with disinfectant. We try to find joy and not give up in the limited existence, it is not easy sometimes it feels like the walls are crumbling and squeezing until you just want to scream. I lack the freedom to go outside without having to avoid others, to be able to plan and look forward to a trip, to go to a restaurant, but above all I hate the virus and the uncertainty about the situation that I cannot influence. I try to make fun of it and say that in corona times it is the only normal, all I do is go to work, but there is nothing normal about being where I am now, I try to think that tomorrow we will go hiking in nature, I should breathe unobstructed maybe see a deer, must hold that thought, wish my husband was with me now and saved me from here, he does not know where I am sitting right now could not send a message that I can not be reached in several hours, now it sounds loud all over the room the patient two beds away feeling really bad, I see how several doctors come running, my plans and daydreams fade. Life outside the intensive care room feels far away. Only 10820 seconds left ...

Must keep my head cold always says my dad, I repeat this as a mantra while I sit here. He is right, when the coronavirus came he said that Sweden is invaded, you have to set up the conditions and create as decent a life as possible, follow the guidelines given, but he is not here now! I'm sitting alone in the middle of an inferno of viruses, machines and personnel. The Alarm sounds and sounds all the time, I don't think he could imagine what I am in right now but my parents don't know how scared I am right now, I never tell them, the old ones I want to spare them no idea to worry anyone. I have to deal with this myself, if this is an invasion then my colleagues and I are the only defensive wall. I do not feel like a wall just a small stone. The sweat runs down my back, I try to grimace to poke my visor in my forehead without touching my face, have double gloves stuck to my skin, have to shower immediately when this is done, rinse away the feeling of the virus on my body. Must not give way. Only 9999 seconds left ...